2004

Just a while ago, I attended the Miri Toastmaster's meeting as a guest and had experienced the process of how they conduct their workshops. Apparently at the end of the meeting, there was a table-talk session which I admit left me in pure shock of myself for putting myself and the members of the workshop in a very awkward position because I was not able to give my speech as I had hope. I did badly, nervously shaking and apparently went speechless. 

I was to choose one of a handful of coins which will reveal a year that I would have to share about events or experience in that year. Was it fate that against all odds that the coin I picked was of 2004? Loss of words and all I could think of was of my dad. Scrambled up with events and emotions remembered of that year had left me in a position where I tried to share but words and sentences kept coming out wrong and I left the floor abruptly. If I had chosen some other year, would the situation be different? I would never know for I thought I could take about it but I guess I am not ready yet. I can't find the correct words and courage to say it out loud.

After sitting down, calm and reflecting on what had happened while watching the rest of the members sharing their stories of the years, I realized that I can't go back up and redo the whole thing. So, here I am writing about the year 2004.

2004 was the starting of a chain of events that had changed my life forever. It was the year that I had lost a very important person in my life. My father. A father who had always been away for work yet always make time to spend with the family. But, in that year, he went away and didn't come back. He left this world with his friends because of a helicopter crash in Ba'kelalan. Those 21 days of the year 2004 and everyday after that, I experienced the saying of 'Blood is thicker than water' from both side of the family and friends for their love, care, support and protection from the press media especially.  

Before 2004, I was an active member of a debate club and public speaking but in 2004, having to face hundreds of people in a church, many who are foreign to me, and to give words of my late father had me started having stage fright and in some ways experience panic attacks in large crowds. Did I managed to overcome this fear? After 5 years, I regretfully have to say no. 

2004 was the year I graduated from Inti with my Diploma of Civil Engineering without my dad. 2004 was the year that us the children started staying in the same room with my mum. 2004 became the year where I lose trust with the local newspapers agencies and their conducts on doing the coverage so I no longer look forward to reading the daily newspapers. 2004 was the year that I slowly started to realise that without my dad, pursuing the engineering course had become too painful. 2004 marked the year where 'blood is thicker than water' came to true meaning as the family became closer than ever before. 2004 was the year that life came to unexpected turn and filled with regrets for things left unsaid and undone. 

Even if there have been 100 happy events in that year, it will always stay remembered as very sad and heartbreaking year. 

Thank You.

..gently down the stream..

Apparently, we didn't row gently...according to wikipedia,

"Rowing is a sport in which athletes race against each other on rivers, lakes or on the ocean, depending upon the type of race and the discipline."

But to me, the sport is ♥. Ah~~~ The memories I had in those years. The sport was introduced to me in year 2000 when I got into UTMKL and it was different from any typical sport because it does not involve running nor catching. Honestly, I not like things flying towards me. I freak out at simple things like a ball being pass to me. So, while I was digging through my treasure box, I found treasure that I had almost forgotten. (≧∇≦)/ Memories of being a rower in a competitive sport between universities in KL at that time. At first it was hard due to my height and weight, but having encouragements from seniors who some are also at around my height, I managed one year in the sport. If I hadn't left the uni, would things have been different between me and the sport. I miss being centimeters away from the water. And despite the eating and drinking, i was pretty fit. LOL The pain and endurance to go through training and badly burnt under the hot sun was well worth it in the end.

I've met many friends through rowing and experience a lot of hardship since I was and still is a very un-active person yet this memory I hold dear because it allows me to travel and experience situations that I wouldn't have the chance if I haven't join them rowing. Apart from rowing, I learnt how to adapt to malay food, mix around with those whom I have very little exposure to when learning in a chinese-dominated school and to feel comfortable staying at bunk beds or hostels during competitions. Most or practically all of them I have lost contact with but the memory remains. Those were happy moments.


I don't understand why Sarawak which is known for it's vast stretch of rivers does not have the sport as a past-time. ヽ（´ー｀）┌ All they have is kayaking and long-boat regatta. Sigh~ The fact was disappointing. This website has more information about the sport in KL : http://www.rowing.org.my. Well to have a peak on how rowing is done in movies, a good site would be http://www.twrc.rowing.org.uk/movies/filmguide.htm

For you to know how it feel to be in the boat..



Now, try rowing like that for a stretch of 2000m.. in competiton.. LOL.. awesome feeling..

"Marathon runners talk about hitting 'the wall' at the twenty-third mile of the race. What rowers confront isn't a wall; it's a hole - an abyss of pain, which opens up in the second minute of the race. Large needles are being driven into your thigh muscles, while your forearms seem to be splitting. Then the pain becomes confused and disorganized, not like the windedness of the runner or the leg burn of the biker but an all-over, savage unpleasantness. As you pass the five-hundred-meter mark, with three-quarters of the race still to row, you realize with dread that you are not going to make it to the finish, but at the same time the idea of letting your teammates down by not rowing your hardest is unthinkable...Therefore, you are going to die. Welcome to this life." -- Ashleigh Teitel

Ah~~~. Those were the days ..
(´～`) むにゃむにゃ

Wind

I think I grew up going to the beach a lot whether it was for vacations or just simple outings. Growing up loving the beach had many memories especially when in Bintulu and Miri. Walking along the beach while feeling the sea breeze helps me keep things in perspective and just calms me down. Whenever I get the chance to pay a visit to the beach especially Lutong Beach, at that moment it is as if all my problems are forgotten and at that moment I somehow feel lighter and more relaxed. Looking far into the horizon as the waves crashes onto the sand will be what I would miss most once I leave Miri. By just to walking barefoot in the sand and listen to the waves crashing up on the shore, there is no where else I know that has such simple access to the beach and with so many options of area because the more remote the beach the better. But most of all I would miss the sea breeze. The gush of wind through my hair, while I particularly enjoy while staying at hostel and spending most of my evening time when I have the chance at the stairways. Hearing leaves rustling and birds chirping. I am looking forward to go back to Miri for that. To feel at peace. 3 more days to go.

Today I paid a visit to my dad

Every time I come back I try to make time to visit and after each time it becomes harder and harder to be able to make it. Sometimes because we've become too busy, sometimes its because problem of transportation. But it was always excuses. I prefer going there alone, taking my time and sitting by his side and talk. Just talk about anything. About how life has been going for me, about people I've met and my studies. Sometimes smiling and sometimes mad. It was today that it struck me that I might not have the chance for the next two years to sit by his side because of furthering studies across the globe. So I sat a little longer and just sat and stare at him and his surrounding. A plane flew as I look up into the skies and then I realize that he will always be there even after years to come. I stood up and pressed my kiss on my fingers to his tombstone and whispered how much I miss having him around. Even all this years, my heart still sore for him and wished he would have known that I would graduate by the end of this year. Graduation is a happy occasion but then will I truly be able to smile honestly that day knowing that he won't be around and be in the portrait. Regrets I had was that I couldn't graduate in time for him. Time Lost.

bumming at home

So, apart from having a wonderful and havoc time in KL during the 1st week of my one month break, lately, it's been a breeze. Time flies fast. Results are out which had me smiling widely and here I am stuck at home because I decided not to attend RWMF on my own free-will. Apart from H1N1, what motivated me was this particular website. Trying hard to not over-indulge myself with holiday mood, I really am trying my best. I admit that I can't directly change the way I had lived all this years but slowly I will be able to do it. LOL. I'll give a visit to the gym downstairs to see if the aura is inviting because today is already Day-5 and I have't don't anything yet. Ya da Ya da Ya da. Urgh~~~ What motivates me? To look good and feel good during the graduation ceremony.